RENOWN LINGUIST BENNY BENZ DEDICATES LIFE TO SPEAKING IN ALLITERATION
Benny Buchannan Benz, internationally recognized linguist, recently went viral for a recent video on social media where he announced his intent to dedicate the rest of his life speaking in alliteration. “Bi bntend bo bend bhe best bf by bife beaking bn blliteration,” he told his followers on Tuesday. His proclamation sparked both admiration, and backlash. Some users commented their praise, calling Benz one of the bravest modern linguists, regarding his new found vocal calling the “greatest work of spoken word poetry in the history of mankind.” Critics, on the other hand, regarded his post with distain.
“Alas, alliteration aims above all to be articulate and astonishing. All around are aghast arbitrators appealing this abhorrent assault to alliteration,” said Anthony Aurelio, also an internationally recognized linguist. His protégé and personal translator offered a briefer comment in layman’s terms.
“What Anthony is trying to say, is that’s not alliteration, that’s just wack.”
Benny’s life has been quite tumultuous in the subsequent days after his announcement. A reporter with the Tomorrow Daily Radio interviewed Benny briefly before Benny boastfully broadcasted his brilliant brain-child bilingually. “By bife bas been bather bumultuous bn becent bays,” Benny told the Tomorrow, “but bi bntend bo bhow bhe borld bhe bower bf bords.” Benny pressed the “broadcast” button on his computer and leaned towards the microphone. “Beetings, Bnyeonghaseyo, Bloha, Balut, b’s bi, Benny Buchannan Benz, bnternationally becognzied binguist, boming bo bou bive brom budio bwenty-bwo boint bne bef bem [sic].”
“Thank you for coming here Benny-” our reporter began.
“Bhank bou bor baving be,” Benny responded alliterately.
“Your recent…vocal attitude shift has caused quite a debate in the linguistic community recently.”
“Bhat bt bas,” Benny said boastfully.
“One concern that seems to be shared by many, is that your methodology isn’t true alliteration?”
“Bhat? Bho bhe buck bays bhat?” Benny said hotly.
“Most people, Benny, as it turns out a lot of people share this view.
“BHAT?”
“Butt?”
“Bo butt, BHAT,” Benny clarified.
“Yes, so anyway, according to several linguists, including some of your colleagues like Anthony Aurelio, the action of replacing the beginning letter of a word with a letter of your choosing is not true alliteration. Alliteration requires unadulterated natural words to be formed into sentences, again according to Aurelio.”
“Bhat’s bnsane,” Benny said. He proceeded to produce a large book that he introduced as his bictionary. “Bccording bo by bictionary, bhe beffinition bf blliteration bs bs bollows: bhe bccurrence bf bhe bame better br bound bt bhe beginning bf bdjacent br blosely bonnected bords.” He slammed the book shut to punctuate his sentence.
With a sigh, our reporter concluded the interview. At the current moment, Benny is still considering himself to be the greatest linguist ever born, much to the chagrin of people like Anthony Aurelio. Will Benny realize his shortcomings? Probably not. The best we can do is wish Benny “Bood Buck.”