NOTORIOUS BERLIN MASTER HEISTER, THE FORKMEISTER, STRIKES AGAIN

INTERPOL – A new development in cutlery crimes, which some criminology experts are calling the most daring cutlery heist in centuries.  This weekend disaster struck once again with a shocking total of two local residences reporting missing forks.  Early investigation shows the method of operation to include the telltale signs of Berlin’s most elusive modern criminal, known by his fan base as the Forkmeister.

             In efforts to curtail potential panic among the public, Berlin philanthropists have launched the Fork Bank, a non for profit organization dedicated to supplying affected households with their most important daily utensil.  Interpol reminds people that there is nothing to fear, but warns everyone to safeguard their forks at night.

             Perhaps the most disturbing detail of this recent crime is not the number of households affected, which was two, but the amount of forks that were taken from each.  Shockingly, the thief has taken two and a half forks from each.  As horrifying and traumatizing as it may be to awaken and find two whole forks missing from your kitchen drawer (or bedside snacking table) it is arguably more shocking to discover the mutilated remains of a single fork leftover.

             Local investigator Frank Furt gives his exclusive insight into the crime.  “This unnatural act of leaving the gory remains of a single fork marks the escalation in violence of these crimes.  Make no mistake, he WILL come for your forks.

              Local victim Hank Hurt gives his exclusive insight into the crime.  “This unnatural act of leaving the gory remains of a single fork will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life.  My poor fork, I named him Fredrique, he fit my mouth perfectly, it’s as if we were made for each other.  I will never forget sweet Fredrique.”  Hank continued to discuss the perfect curvature of Fredrique, as well as the girth of Fredrique’s tines before stating that “only a true monster would harm a fork in such a way.”

                Mere days after the heist, Berlin residents took to the streets calling for the police to capture the Forkmeister once and for all.  

             “We must capture the Forkmeister once and for all!” They shouted in unison while pumping their fork-shaped picket signs up and down.  After several moments of intense protest, all seemed lost until breakthrough was had in the case.  Four miles outside of the city, forensic investigators who were a part of a fork-dedicated task force forkheaded an intense search for clues.  Against all odds, they found a single tine of one of the missing forks–a desert fork.

           “It was like finding a needle in a forkstack,” one of the task-fork members said, “we were about to give up hope, when there it was like a glint of sunlight after a century of darkness, a gift from the fork-goddess Forkinforker herself.”  The crew huddled around the relic and rested their heads in a moment of silence before picking up the little piece of metal with some tweezers, and wrapping it in a German flag.  “We will bear you back home little forkling,” they said as they packed up for the day.

               Thanks to the hard work of Berlin’s finest fork experts, the time of death of the forkling was placed mere hours after the crime.  “Whoever kidnaps a tiny innocent fork from the comfort of it’s kitchen cutlery drawer, and then brutally de-tines it, is one sick forker,” said investigative head Lank Lurt.  Within a radius of about 15 miles of the tine, the Task-Fork discovered several other pieces of evidence, but regretfully informed the public that no surviving forks were found at the time.  With the locations of the evidence plotted on a map, the Task-Fork revealed a sinister pattern.  A fork-shaped pattern, with one missing tine: the location of the next victim.  “This is no two-tined fork crime,” Lurt said in a press release, “this is a three-tined fork crime.  There will be another victim.”  The crowd gasped, cameras clicked, and the press descended.

               All events finally came to a head when Interpol and the Task-Fork surrounded the presumed location of the future crime.  “Come out with your forks up!” an officer shouted over a bullhorn.  The silence was thick enough to stab with a fork as the front door of the house opened up.  Out stepped a man, tall and slender, with a mustache that forked in the middle.  In his hand, a knife.  In his other hand, a fork.  The knife in his first hand was pointed at the fork in the second hand, a telltale sign of a hostage situation.  “He’s armed and got a fork-stage,” one of the officers called out.

                “One move and the fork gets it,” the Forkmeister sneered.  

                “State your demands,” Lurt called out over a bullhorn.

                “Hahaha, you think I’m that basic of a criminal?” The Forkmeister shot back.  “You are fools, all of you!”

                “We got you at your third tine, I mean, crime,” Lurt shouted.

                “Fools again!  This is no mere three tine crime, this is a FOUR tine crime, or MORE.  I won’t stop until all of Germany’s forks are in my possession!”

                “You sick forker!” Someone yelled.

          “Oh you don’t even begin to understand,” said the Forkmeister sinisterly.  “You’ll never take me or my forks alive!”  With a dramatic flair, and a loud noise, the Forkmeister disappeared into a cloud of forks.  When all the forks had clattered to the ground and settled, the Forkmeister was nowhere to be found.

                 “He might be behind the wall,” an officer suggested.

                 “No,” said another, “he’s...gone.”

                No news from the Forkmeister has been heard of since, and residents anxiously await the fourth tine of this heinous crime.  No one knows where the Forkmeister is, or where he will stab next.