ELON MUSK ANNOUNCES HIS NEW FRAGRANCE LINE: ELON’S MUSK

            Big name Billionaire Elon Musk has just revealed his newest scheme, and it promises to stir up quite a commotion.  The tech mogul has made an unpredictable, and as some may say reckless, move: investing heavily in aromatics.  That’s right, Elon is now marketing his newest male cologne which he dubs “Elon’s Musk,” a very clever play on words that is sure to attract much attention.  “It just seemed like the next big step for me,” he told the Tomorrow, “I didn’t want to just be known as that guy who wants to go to Mars, I wanted to be known as the guy who went to Mars smelling good,” bold words from a bold man, describing what we can only hope to be a bold scent.

            At the time of the interview, Mr. Musk declined offering a sample of his new product, though he assured our reporters that he was wearing it at the time.  We weren’t able to tell.  One of the big things that Musk hopes will win over potential new customers is the patented secretion process by which Elon’s Musk is created.  It is certifiably 100% natural.  In an age where most modern cosmetics are so heavily laden with toxins that they literally mummify their users, natural aromas are sure to arouse a sense of deep desire in key markets.  “A desire,” as Musk says, “to smell good.”

            “I wanted to set out and conquer new frontiers.  All those big scent companies like Hugo Boss and Calvin Klein are cranking out this generic shit that you can experience by sticking your nose in whatever it is they’re trying to emulate; like flowers, or chlorinated pools.  I wanted to do something different, I wanted to bottle a scent that Mr. Klein and Mr. Boss couldn’t stick their noses in.  I wanted to bottle the scent of success.  And I have.  Now you too can smell like a billionaire.”  Mr. Musk punctuated his last statement by smiling and looking off to the side.  He extended his hand and pointed.  The reporters for Tomorrow also looked where he was pointing and found nothing to report on.  It was later discovered that Musk was pointing to where he thought a camera would be, but was informed that this article was going to be experienced in a strictly textual manner.  We declined his offer to douse the printed Tomorrow in his Musk.

            “I put a lot of effort into this endeavor, I even came up with the catchiest of catchphrases: There’s no Musk like Elon’s Musk!  I want the entire surface of Mars to smell like it.”  In just three weeks, Elon managed to open up fifteen thousand factories across the globe to produce and bottle his Musk.  It is to date the largest cologne operation in history, and promises to revolutionize the way people smell.  “It is a complicated process to create Musk, lots of little things have to happen in tandem.”  It was at this point that Mr. Musk was interrupted.  He was taken by an assistant into another room where he returned a few moments later in fresh clothes.   “The process begins as all scents do, with the collection of raw Musk,” he continued as he sat back down, “we take the raw material, we process it, and then we concentrate it.  This concentrate is then sent out to each of the 15 thousand facilities which will in turn manufacture one tenth of a bottle each.  That completed bottle will be priced at a retail value of 6,969 US dollars; a very fair and attractive number.”

            Elon justifies this high price tag through the uniqueness of the product, but also recognizing its transmutability.  “Right now,” he says, “there is only one man with the smell of Elon’s Musk, and that’s me: Elon Musk.  But just imagine one of my bottles being purchased by Coldplay, and they mist it over the entire audience.  Now everyone has the opportunity to experience the sweet scent of success!  It is a product that actually encourages philandering.”  We were told later by Musk’s head of PR that he meant to say Philanthropy, and that under no circumstances were we to ever relay exactly what he said, so if anyone asks: we redacted it.  He then went on a lengthy explanation of how amazing his Musk worked with the ladies.  We were inclined to believe he really did intend to say the first P word.  As the interview wound down to a close, Musk confided in our reporters the true secret to his success.  “It’s love, love is the secret to every good product.  That’s why I kiss every Tesla that leaves the factory personally.  It’s that touch that connects you with the customer even more.  And that’s the experience I hope people will get from my Musk, like I’m personally wrapping them in a loving embrace.”  He turned to the invisible camera once more and smiled, “remember folks, there’s no Musk like Elon’s Musk!”  There was no invisible camera.  There was no camera at all.  “Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for me to de-stress.  I’m a busy man after all, and even I need to take a break and roll around on a massive mound of cash just like anyone else.  You know, the goal of Musk is really just to remind everyone that I’m just an ordinary man, like everyone else.”  Despite this claim, he still refused to kiss our reporters so they too might experience a modicum of success.