ARE YOU THE VICTIM OF A WORKPLACE NECROMANCER? YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO FINANCIAL COMPENSATION

Today’s changing corporate landscape is home to a wide variety of working individuals.  Modern technology has leveled the playing field making it possible for anyone to be a slave to capitalism.  It is, however, not without its downsides.  Every office has its problems, from the trombone-obsessed bosses to the coworkers who keep stealing your still-beating gorgon hearts your mother prepared you for lunch.  Chief among these modern concerns has lately been concerning the necromancer workforce.  Once thought to be a strong and everlasting force of pencil-pushers, complaints against necromancers have seen a recent rise, especially within the structure of larger corporations.  The epicenter of these complaints seems to have stemmed from high up in the McDonald’s empire.

                We met with several of the victims working for the burger clown last week, particularly Patty Bunns, a relatively new employee in the marketing department, who claimed that her desk mate, Keres, was a necromancer with an ulterior motive.  “My desk mate Keres has ulterior motives,” Bunns told reporters, “he isn’t interested in selling burgers, he’s interested in necromancing.”  Bunns reportedly filed a complaint with HR, as recent legislature stated that necromancy is illegal in public and corporate spaces, but after looking into the claims, HR declared that it was not subject to these regulations.  After further questioning, it was revealed that Bunns had never actually seen Keres attempt to raise the dead, however insists that Keres has announced multiple times that he is a necromancer.

                “I am indeed a self-pronounced necromancer” spoke Keres, a self-pronounced necromancer, in a private statement regarding his arcane tendencies. 

                “Why do you think that the workplace is a good place to practice necromancy?” Our lead reporter on the story asked.

                “Oh, please, please, I prefer it be called necromancing, but to answer your question, I do it everywhere.  Not just at the workplace.  I do it at home, at my child’s school, at grocery stores and funerals, anywhere I may feel the call of necks to be romanced.”

                “I’m sorry,” our reporter cut in, “what?”

             “I love necromancing; the human neck is the most beautiful thing in all of creation!  What sort of god would make something so tantalizing and wonderful if not to be romanced with passion and admiration?”

                Armed with this new information, we reconnected with Patty Bunns for more details on her alleged necromancing encounters.  “He kept trying to lick my neck,” she said after more detailed questioning, “but it wasn’t just me, or just women.  He did it to our boss, he did it to my 85 year old grandfather when he came to ‘bring your oldest family member day,’ it was so weird to see.”  Men, women, non-binary, old, young, nobody was safe from the far reaching tongue of Keres, the self-proclaimed neck-romancer.  The stunning amount of complaints compiled from his coworkers was more than enough to skew the statistic results on necromancers in the workforce.

                “He is a blight on necromancy, he is no true necromancer, just a weird dude,” said Fred, a long time professional necromancer.  “What he is doing is really just assault wrapped up in fancy words, what I do is harness the life force of the dead for my own iniquitous means.”

                Complaints against Keres continued to pile into the HR department, prompting the legal team to bring in some lawyers.  Freshly plucked from the tree of law, these new lawyers were in over their heads and immediately offered to settle.  They said that anyone who had their neck unwittingly romanced was entitled to financial compensation of anywhere from 2 to 3 cents.  Some people, however, found these actions to be unwarranted.

                “Keres is alright,” one of the creepier male co-workers stated, “he’s just a guy who knows what he wants in this world.  A fat paycheck and a smooth neck.  He’s almost like a vampire, if vampires were real.”

                “He’s a loner, but a nice guy I think,” said another co-worker.  “He never attends my cookouts or pool parties, but will usually hang around the bars at night.  He always wears sunglasses too which would make you think he’s a real jerk, but I think he’s just insecure and romancing necks is his way of connecting to people.”

                “He’s just a shy guy,” said Boss Man, Keres’ boss.  “He’s even camera shy, every time I try and get him in a picture, it just comes up blank.  I think neck romancing is just his way of showing that he cares, even when he can’t be physically present.”

                “The neck romancing is actually quite nice,” said another coworker, “I felt so bad one time for making him garlic bread.  I didn’t know he was so violently allergic to garlic, so I let him romance my neck as an apology.  It was a little pinchy, but no harm was done, right?”

                Despite these outspoken individuals, neck-romancing was still declared against corporate code of conduct, and a violation of people’s personal space.  If you or anyone you know has had their neck romanced, you may be entitled to financial compensation.  Please contact us, we may or may not respond to you.