REPEATED “SWIPER NO SWIPING” FAILS TO DETER NOTORIOUS ART THIEF DURING ROBBERY
The art community is in uproar after a masked bandit snuck into the Louvre under the noses of security guards in broad daylight to steal a generic priceless painting worth more than the lives of many, many people. The incident occurred during regular business hours in full view of dozens of bystanders. Police are calling this brazen heist one of the “ballsiest” moves in the history of thievery. “That man had massive cojones,” said the security guard who was present at the scene. “You could really see them just hanging there, swinging all around, must’ve made a noise too. I tried yelling ‘Swiper no swiping,’ just like Dora told me to, and it didn’t work. He just straight up ignored me man, walked right away.”
When asked if Dora referred to his supervisor, the guard clarified that he had meant Dora the Explorer. Dora “the Explorer” Márquez is an 8 year old Hispanic girl known for her explorative habits and bubbly personality. When asked why he would take professional advice from an 8 year old, the guard shrugged and said that she [Dora] seemed “tight.”
“I know that Dora always has my back,” the guard continued, “this one time I was being held up in Albuquerque by a Mexican gangster because I forgot to pay for my tacos at his taco joint which is a front for this massive Meth Business, and I just said ‘lo siento’ over and over like Dora always told me to. Do you remember that episode where she was like, ‘if you ever f*uck up you just say lo siento, can you say lo siento?’ And then she’d pause and watch you from the TV screen with these cold dead eyes that just compelled you to say ‘lo siento.’ And dude! I almost forgot about Diego! My name is Diego!” At this point our reporter inquired whether or not the guard knew any Spanish from outside of Dora the Explorer. It should also be noted that the editorial team forgot the guard’s name, so henceforth for continuity’s sake, he will continue to be referred to as “the guard.”
“Yeah man, I know Spanish. OH MY GOSH, wait, I like, KNOW Spanish. Dora was inside me all along.” With this, the guard fell to his knees and began speaking rapidly in Spanish while crying. It was at this point that our reporter informed the guard that he didn’t think Dora ever dropped the F-bomb on a kid’s show. “Well you don’t know what kind of girl she was off camera,” he replied. To that, the reporter informed him that it was an animated show, and when Dora was off camera, she didn’t exist. He cried again, but for a different reason.