THE FEDERAL RESERVE DRAGON GOES ON STRIKE

It is no secret that the United States of America is the wealthiest nation to have ever existed, and that is in part due to the unorthodox, yet extremely effective, Federal Reserve System.  The Federal Reserve has a long standing reputation as being the best at hoarding money and stealing from citizens.  In fact, it is SO efficient at it, that citizens and non-citizens alike even give money to the treasury for the promise of little to no return, and very poor (sometimes none at all) social services.

                So what is to secret to the vast hoards of wealth amassed by the government and withheld from the people?  The answer is quite simple: Dragons—nature’s perfect wealth hoarders.  Well, one dragon to be exact.  Vlair has been in charge of the United States Reserve for nearly 300 years, and was appointed to the position by George Washington.  It was first Treasurer Alexander Hamilton who was appointed as Vlair’s attendant.  The original design was to have multiple dragons in charge of the nation’s wealth, but as the Freemasons discovered, dragons did not play well with one another.  The Masons brought several dragons before Washington for assessment, and Vlair was the only one with the perfect levels of greed and laziness for the job.  It was a job Vlair did well, until a new species threatened both his pride and his job security.

                This new species changed the financial landscape for many, and has been often considered both the downfall of humanity, and the mortal enemy and natural predator of the noble dragon.  They are known simply as Billionaires.  The first came to be in 1916, and his name was Rockefeller.  This new creature didn’t immediately threaten Vlair’s livelihood, but as the decades wore on, more and more began to pop up.  Now, with people like Mark Zucchiniberg, Jeff Bozos, and Elon Musk (who is currently planning to increase his fortune through a male cologne line), Vlair’s very existence is at stake.

                As a result of losing more and more control over the wealth of America, Vlair decided to go on strike; much to the shock of residents and tourists in New York City.  Residents freaked out the moment Vlair smashed his enormous scaly bulk trough the floor of the US Federal Reserve Bank, through the front façade, and out into the street with a roar described as the sound of a thousand freight trains transporting tornados and hurricanes.

                “I am Vlair, the keeper of the nation’s wealth!  For too long you puny humans have stolen more and more wealth from my Hoard!  My minions at the IRS have proven themselves incapable of securing it, and I will rest no longer until I get what is rightfully mine!”  He declared as lampposts and cars crushed beneath his claws.  The president arrived on scene quickly to hear the dragon’s demands, and met him within the ruins of the Bank’s front entrance.  Civilians were urged to clear the area, but given that none of them had ever actually seen a dragon, crowd control was somewhat difficult.

             The president pulled out an old scroll of parchment and unfurled it on scene, from there he read the rights of the dragon who, due to his species, was not considered a full citizen of the United States, and was therefore under no legal protection.  A large jet of flame engulfed some nearby trees, and soon enough the National Guard was on scene as well.  It took two full days to calm Vlair to the point where he was accepting of negotiation, and eventually Vlair agreed to meet with Congress to determine both the status of his citizenship, and his entitlement to the finances of America’s top one percent.

              Throughout the course of these initial days, the financial world was in uproar.  All economic transactions had ground to a complete halt due to the absence of the Guard of the National Hoard, as every US dollar was legally Vlair’s personal property.

              The first priority in negotiations concerned Vlair’s citizenship status, which was labeled as “inconclusive.”  When Washington appointed the title of Guard of the National Hoard to Vlair, official laws regarding citizenship status had yet to be put into place.  At the time, citizenship was determined by gender and race, and those requirements were male and white—of which Vlair was one, but in terms of scale color he was very green.

                Through these talks, Vlair’s team made it known that between the 1790 Naturalization Act and the introduction of the 14th amendment in 1868, Vlair had consumed enough “free white men” to equate his body weight.   It was eventually noted by congress that due to the sheer amount of “free white men” that Vlair had consumed in his tenure as Guard of the National Hoard prior to the 14th amendment, he was considered a full citizen of the United States.

                 With that out of the way, the next step was to negotiate the powers of Vlair’s subjects, the IRS.  It took an additional week before Congress agreed that the Guard of the National Hoard was intended to possess certain sovereign powers that would enable him to perform his duties as intended by the founding fathers.  These sovereign duties involved such things as flying over and burning down the homes of Billionaires as penance for failure to pay tax dues.  Once these provisional arrangements are completed, Vlair will have full legal justification and responsibility to personally seek money from the richest men in the country, or whoever the IRS records shows necessary to be collected.  The fear that such an act strikes within the hearts of men has encouraged congress to act more quickly on passing stricter taxation laws for corporations and billionaires in a futile attempt to escape the wrath of the winged terror.

             In a press release the other day, Vlair was quoted as saying that, “the American people have forgotten their fiscal duties to me, and my memory fades among the minds of men.  I, along with the founding fathers had assumed that such things like matching the green of my scales to the ink of the dollar would remind the Americans of their duties to me.  May you trust in god, not to give your money value, but to have your souls saved from my coffers.  However, it appears that I need to take a more claws-on approach to the taxation system within this country.  Take care that you do not forget to pay your dues to me again.”

                When asked by some hippie journalists if these new taxation policies represented positive changes for lower economic classes, and social programs, Vlair vaporized them in a single torrent of fire.

                “I have no concern over the affairs of humans,” he told the press, “my only passion and love is my hoard.”

When asked if he felt any social duties as the keeper of the nation’s wealth, he responded that “duty to the country was social enough, and the byproduct of safeguarding the National Treasury would ensure welfare and prosperity among the American people indirectly.”  The closing question asked of him during the press meeting was whether or not there were any lady dragons in his future, to which he let lose a puff of smoked and winked at the reporters.  “I don’t know,” he said, “right now I have some billionaires to roast.”