ANISH KAPOOR CLAIMS TO HAVE FINALLY BUILT A WORKING PORTAL

Anish Kapoor, famed British-Indian sculptor, has had a long standing reputation of being both a constructor of portals, and a very dislikable man.  In fact, Mr. Kapoor was very high up on the list of suspects when the first interdimensional portal opened up over the city of Chicago.  It should come as no surprise then, that when the artist unveiled his latest sculpture, at a private exhibition in Kyoto, it was another portal.  Rumors of Kapoor’s declining mental sanity ran rampant for the past year as the artist was seen crawling the streets of Manhattan mumbling to himself, “GLaDOS, please grant me the portal ability,” and other such random randomness.   Eyewitnesses stated that his appearance throughout the year was that of a disheveled vagrant with a type of maleficent glint in the eye that betrayed the beginning descent into a whirlwind of madness.  It came as a shock to many when he stood on stage in Kyoto in a brand new tailored suit, with a small mass behind him, shielded from view by a large cloth.   The event was heavily anticipated with scores of people from all corners of the world, all of whom were very wealthy, all eagerly waiting for the unveiling.  Would it be a sequel to the Chicago Bean?  Or something else entirely.

“Good evening ladies and gentleman,” Kapoor said into the microphone as the lights on stage dimmed.  “I am excited to gather you all here this evening in the beautiful city of Kyoto.  A you know, I have spent the last year in search of the grand finale to my series of otherworldly portals as I seek the true spirit of enlightenment and a path to the beyond,”  he paused, and someone amidst the silent audience coughed.  “I spent many years of my illustrious career designing all manners of portals.  Some out of metal, and some out of…other things.”  From his pocket, Kapoor drew his phone and placed it on the podium.  The cool blue light of the screen splashing harshly on his face, “this time, I have done it,” he said looking up.

                “My life’s ambition was not uninspired, no, I remember the very day that inspired the flame of passion and understanding within my soul.  It was on the late night show with Fallon, who was running a joke in criticism of my line of failed portals.  He pulled up a Tumblr post about it on the screen behind him, and it was the comment of a young woman named Anastasia that illuminated the fires of creativity and truth.  I will read it for you now.”  Kapoor produced a pair of reading glasses which he took great care to wipe clean and place on his nose.  Then with a few taps, he unlocked his phone and began to scroll.  It took about 37 minutes before he was able to locate the comment. 

                     “Ah,” he said as he found it, “here it is, I have found it.  ‘the only portal he [Anish Kapoor] doesn’t have to build is the portal to stupid land cuz [sic] he can already travel there freely.’  This…childlike and demeaning comment made me realize that I should stop looking outwardly to create my portals, I must begin looking inward, for I alone have the true power to cross the vast expanse of the universe.  I owe this young Anastasia my life, for she allowed me to unlock my true potential, and I will now reveal it to all of you, tonight.”

                He took a step back from the microphone as the audience erupted into a chorus of applause and cheers.  A few misguided people shouted the names of a few sports teams and a K-pop band.  With a flourish of the wrist, he threw back the cloth that covered his creation, and the audience gasped.  Underneath was a plain white door, with a few pieces of 2x4s screwed into the frame at angles to keep it standing.

“Behold!” Shouted Kapoor with his arms spread wide to the auditorium, “my final portal Kapoor Gate.  It is only fitting that my greatest work should be titled after myself.  It is painted in my patented ‘off white’ and my features my newest trademark on the 2x4.  I am now the only artist in the world allowed to use generic lumber in my art.”  With another showy flourish, Kapoor threw open the door and the audience stared through it in confusion.  “Through this door lies the threshold of the very soul of the universe,” he said wiping a tear from his eye.  “It is the realization of my every ambition, and it is absolutely beautiful.  Thank you, everyone, for being here in the moment of my dreams, to witness with me as I take my first steps into this new land.  Wish me luck for I know not the terrors I may see upon my arrival to the other side, but I bring with me the never ending wisdom of mankind and a heart of gold.  Fare me well fellow adventures, for we are all in this as one, only a true artist possesses the capability to wander from world to world, letting creativity rain down and water the parched earth with the grace of a god.  Here I go, a step into the unknown, as I detach myself from the material world and finally grasp true enlightenment in my hands.”  With one slow movement, he raised his foot from the stage and passed it through the threshold of the door.  The audience held their breath as he speed down on the other side, and continued to hold as his entire body passed through.  There was a ripple of confusion as he stood on the other side of the door, an expression of awe and wonder on his face.  Kapoor fell to his knees on stage, on the other side of this door, and began to weep.  Confusion once again swept the audience as members wondered if he had realized his insanity, and his failure.

“I have ascended to a higher plane of existence!”  He shouted to no one, “the world before me is not the world I left behind!  Lo, there be strange creatures here!  I am your god, I have come before you in peace!”  He continued to scream and cry on stage as security officers began to approach cautiously.  “The power of GLaDOS runs through my veins, I can transport my soul through countless universes!” 

                “Mr. Kapoor,” one of the officers called out as they approached him, “can you hear me?  Are you alright?”  but there was no response.  When the officer grabbed hold of Kapoor’s wrist, he hissed and barred his teeth, crouching low.

                “Get your hands off me you filthy hairy beast!” He shouted before bounding off the stage on all fours and leaping over cowering audience members.  After he left the building, multiple others tried walking through the door, and nothing happened.  The exhibit was packed up, and everyone went home.  The End, don’t sue.