CANDID TAKE: EXCLUSIVE NIGHCLUB “EXCLUDE YOU” SAID TO BE SO EXCLUSIVE THAT ITS OWN STAFF CAN’T EVEN ENTER. SO WE SENT TWO JOURNALISTS WHO WERE NOT ABLE TO ENTER EITHER, BUT REPORTED BACK ANYWAY.
Modern nightlife has taken a turn from local activity to extravagant after hour outings.
Though the evening was traditionally designated as a time for people to sleep, it seems modern trends have created an environment for the sleepless to thrive. The oasis of the urban and metropolitan night-owl is of course, none other than, the night clubs. There are many various nightclubs, from shady back alley places in the storage rooms of gas stations, to the expensive tuxedo-wearing rich jerks of Vegas. It can generally be agreed that what makes a club "hot" is its exclusivity. People like to feel important, and being allowed into an area that most people are not is the ego-swelling fuel of nightlife.
In the small sleepless town of New Old in South Western Arizona, a new nightclub opened up. One that promised to be so exclusive, not even the staff are allowed to step foot inside. This singular feature is what made Exclude You the hottest nightclub in the world. Within moments of its opening, thousands of people with undiagnosed insomnia flocked to New Old Arizona in an attempt to gain the status of entering Exclude You. Unfortunately none of them were successful, and the majority of the crowd dispersed. In effort to gain more traction with the community, owners of Exclude You invited journalists from the Tomorrow down to AZ in an exclusive zero access tour of the new location. In order to appear like the hippest newspaper in the world, our journalists enthusiastically went. Though they were not able to gain entrance, they reported back to us like well-trained puppies.
"The outside of Exclude You looks absolutely masterful; it is a tastefully designed sleek black building in the middle of the desert. It rather looks like a monolith, smooth and reflective. It's the antithesis of Apple, when you stand there, you can really feel like the future is here." Our second journalist for the evening, however, held more troubling news.
"The entire structure of the club looked like a smooth black cube, as if it were carved from solid obsidian. There were no visible entries or exits, just a crappy plastic banner plastered to the outside with the name of the club. For some reason, nobody else seemed to take any notice of the shoddy presentation, and when questioned about it, people got confrontational.
“It was just after midnight when the whole structure began to inexplicably hum and vibrate. Most of the crowd took it as a sign that the doors were about to open, but a few wise ones sobered up and went home. I was not one of those, nor was my partner. The humming only grew in intensity, as we leaned in for a closer look one could just make out that the entire structure was hovering about a half inch off the ground.
“Just when we thought it couldn't get any weirder, a strange purple light began to glow all around it. Most cheered, taking it as a sign that the party was just getting started. It was, but not for humanity. Purple bolts of lightning shot out of the structure in all directions killing several people, including my partner. It shot them right through the chest.
“When the dust settled. there were only a few people standing. A voice came from within, as if the entire thing was speaking to us. I kid you not, it literally said ' Greetings Earthlings', like some 60s Dr. Who episode. That's when we knew we were done for. The voice told us that we were messengers of Earth's destruction, and were spared to warn humanity of its impending doom.
"So I warn all my fellow humans, doing my duty as a journalist. Aliens are going to vaporize everyone, it is only a matter of time before the world ends, and our planet is incorporated into an intergalactic real-estate conglomerate. We are all going to die!"
And thus ends the thrilling tale of night life told from one of our newest staff members. The world is ending due to aliens, there you have it folks, quality reporting. Our journalist has been admitted for psychiatric evaluation, and there is no need to panic. So what? The world as we know it ending isn't so bad. He was probably on something and imagined the entire thing.
In other news, the hot new club Exclude You has been permanently closed, the entire building has vanished overnight no doubt due to low funding from excluding all patrons. Certainly not due to Aliens! As if! We would also like to take a moment to recognize journalist John Nalist, who has been with the Tomorrow for many, many moments. He was vaporized in a freak accident in the Arizona Desert while reporting for this very magazine. You may have read an excerpt just now written by him. He was a good man, good journalist, and a gullible fool. He will be missed. Rest in Peace John, and thank you for the moments of hard work and dedication.