BREAKING NEWS: GEESE DELCARE WAR ON HUMANS, AND AGGRAVATED GOOSE PROPAGANDA, PLUS A PLOT FOR WORLD DOMINATION AND HIERARCHY ABOVE HUMANS

                The United Nations Security Council has announced their findings on a month’s long investigation into a previously unknown hostile threat.  Tens of thousands of Goose-Kind are mobilizing in an organized effort to overthrow humanity.  Authorities have recognized this situation as a threat to our way of life, and one that calls for immediate action.  As nations rally troops, rations, munitions, and support, the Tomorrow brings to you updates on this closely monitored situation.

                It all began as any war begins, with quiet contemplation.  Over the span of a few spring weeks, residents in Ontario, Canada began to report a shortage of geese migrating to the area.  Long known for their Geese, Canada immediately launched an investigation into whether or not the United States was stealing them.  “We will not have those half-baked freedom-eagle-lovers to steal our national birds!” Shouted Justin Trudeau at an international conference. 

                It took some convincing from the United States Department of Customs and Border Protection to assure Justin that the US was not responsible for baiting the US side of the US/Canadian border with fancy breads and attractive goose cardboard cutouts.  “We can assure you that US Customs and Border Protection is certainly not baiting our side of the border with fancy breads and cardboard cutouts of attractive geese,” said Joe Biden personally in the very same conference.  It was at that moment that a US security official hurried out of the chambers to attend to unknown business.  It appears that this explanation was not satisfactory to Justin, who launched a government funded operation to coat the Canadian border in maple syrup in hopes that the bland American bread would drive the geese in search of flavor.  This launched a weeks-long exchange of international spies and saboteurs that kept the world stage too busy to notice the true source of the missing geese: Australia.

                   Since the outbreak of the Goose War, teams of international investigators have been hot on the case of how humanity could have allowed such a thing to take place.  Investigations revealed several flight logs from unknown pilots flying aircrafts to Australia, and further investigations revealed that these planes were piloted by geese.   They met with the Emus in Australia to consult on their 1932 victory over Australia in the Great Emu War.  It is here that experts believed the geese gained the tactical knowledge necessary to gain the upper hand.   While in Australia, the Emus helped them construct a large military compound known as “G.O.O.T. Camp,” a training camp for geese to learn how to make use of modern military equipment to help level the species divide.  All of this happened in a matter of months.

               G.O.O.T. Camp, which stands for Grueling Ostentatious Overlord Training, trains young Goose Cadets to identify and eliminate human specific targets.  Goose on Goose training has been observed to yield 100% successful results, with each new goose trainee who completes the 4 day course graduating to become a human destroying machine.  One of the benefits of the short relative lifespan of Geese to Humans is, of course, the shortened training time frame which keeps a healthy flow of soldiers at the front lines.  This is in comparison to the Human training programs which could take months or even years before they are combat ready.  Geese also come born with flight experience in their DNA which makes them formidable opponents in the air.  Young Goose cadets have been observed loading ballistic missiles into fighter jets in several established military bases around the world, leaving many experts to wonder if they are also planning to weaponize nuclear technology.  If that were to be the case, this may just spell the end of the Human Race.

                    So just how have the Geese managed to amass such a threat in such a short amount of time?  Even the most sophisticated of countries would hardly be able to throw together such a precision endeavor on such a short schedule.  The answer lies in Goose Propaganda, specifically the 1943 Goose movie “The Great Goose War.”

                “I was not aware that geese were making movies in 1943,” said amateur filmmaker James Cameron.  “I didn't even think they could lift a camera....I suppose if there were a whole bunch of them together trying at once...”

               When asked to comment if he thought that the geese were manufacturing their own equipment, he wiped a tear from his eye and said, “have you even seen the movie?  It was a masterpiece of emotion and technical prowess.  I think it's time I hung my hat up and let the geese take over.”  Cameron did not continue to offer helpful insights.

                 The Great Goose War was a pivotal film in Goose Culture and was denied entry in the Venice Film Festival; which was not held in 1943 due to ongoing violent human affairs.  The Geese did not get this memo, and the denial of their cultural pride sowed the seeds of species hatred that lasted decades.  The classic Goose film features a war-time protagonist with “wings of steel” that helped inspire scores of goslings in the modern era to take up arms against human oppression.  It was this film, along with a propaganda campaign, that spread the word of Goose Warfare among all of Goose-kind.

                    Following the United Nations sanctions against all public ponds in the world, posters began to spring up at knee-level in all the world’s capitals stating things like, “they take out habitats and now they take our ponds,” and “their bread was never good enough,” and “the humans have honked their last breath.”  

                  Initially ruled as a prank to contain global panic, the United Nations is now urging citizens to take up arms against the feathered fiends, as this is now a global threat. 

                     We are at war with the Geese.  Citizens of the world are urged against any interaction with the Geese, and are asked to cease any and all arrangements and transactions that they may have with the Geese.  The first move by humans will be a strike against the Goose Economy, and Goose Morale.

                “The Geese were our friends!” an impassioned Trudeau shouted to scores of flannel-clad Canadian soldiers, “but now they have taken a strike against our homeland!  We will strike in kind, and fight fire with fire!”  This inflamed speech took place mere hours after scores of Geese flocked over Canada, coating everything in a thick cushion of Goose poop. 

                 The Canadian response was just as swift as it was devastating; with the entirety of the Canadian force dropping their pants and pooping in every body of water across the country.  This drove the entire Canadian Goose population to retreat into US territory, where thousands of un-trained civilians waited with weapons much too large to effectively use.  In the resulting firefight, which lasted a straight 13 days, not a single Goose was hit, and multiple men were injured. 

                   Fighting on the European side didn’t fare much better.  France entered in an agreement with the Geese to exchange bread for immunity, with Germany and Italy following suit but being rapidly denied.  The Asian countries offered rice, but rice is bad for birds and they were quickly eliminated with survivors establishing the first floating settlements far out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

                In South America, the dense jungle and predatory species made it difficult for Geese to make notable headway.  Africa faired similarly with the desert heat, though more temperate countries fell into battle with the Goose Regime.  United Nations representatives from several African countries have requested aid.  Australia has fallen under the Goose-Emu Treaty.

                  Readers will be updated as further developments are made known to the public.  As of now, Authorities wish everyone to be weary around any open patches of sky, and any seemingly tranquil bodies of water.

                 “The Geese will not win this war, mankind will prevail as it always has, we will emerge stronger than ever,” stated a UN spokesperson before being assassinated by a Goose sniper.

                “Anyone found to be aiding or abetting the Geese will be considered an international traitor to humanity, and banished to the Moon,” the British Prime Minister said in a recent interview. 

                The situation grows dire and many experts are considering calling this the dawn of a new era:  The dawn of Geese.  Ocean real-estate is now a thing.  We suggest you learn how to swim. 

                EDITORIAL UPDATES PENDING