RICARDO AND THE SANTA CRIMES
Today’s modern hustle culture has bred a new type of criminal, an intelligent criminal who takes his time to think through a well-thought out plan. A plan to get rich on a timeframe that lies somewhere between QUICK and FOREVER. Ricardo Garcia is one such criminal mastermind, the type of man who will conceive of a scheme to make massive amounts of money, with minimal amounts of work.
“Being a career criminal is about patience and dedication,” Ricardo said on an interview for Crime Magazine. “Not everyone has what it takes to succeed in such a massively competitive industry.”
Ricardo has, to date, committed several large criminal schemes that brought in some substantial income. The first successful scheme, after many failures, was a fake taxi company where Ricardo rented out dozens of sedans and hired drivers to pick up and drop off passengers. The scheme ran successfully for a few years, and though the earnings were slow, it allowed Ricardo to save up to establish more elaborate criminal empires.
“The underground taxi service was just the start,” Ricardo explained, “the taxi’s weren’t actually underground though, they were above ground, and could be used by anyone. We even made sure to only hire licensed drivers so that we could pass inspections if anyone got suspicious.”
One of Crime Magazine’s top critics reached out to Ricardo to ask if running a legitimate transport business was truly a crime, echoing popular opinion among many readers.
Ricardo’s response was short, and to the point. “Crime is about intent, it is about the position of your spirit, and the dedication in your heart. All the best crimes hardly look like a crime on the outside, that’s how you get away with it.”
Ricardo is preparing for the upcoming winter season by renting a small store in a local mall. He plans to transform this space into a magical north pole workshop, where he can dress up as Santa, and hire fake elves.
“It’s a simple scheme, really,” Ricardo explained, “I’m not really Santa, and these guys aren’t really elves. It’s false advertising, but hard to sniff out. We went as far as to print fake birth certificates that say we are from the North Pole, and fake passports as well, so if anyone comes thinking we aren’t Santa, then we can shut them up real quick.”
Ricardo even thought out what to do should the real Santa show up. “If Santa himself shows up, then we are prepared. All the signs and banners are reversible, and can be turned over to advertise a North Pole Lookalike Contest, so it’s more a cosplay event than identity theft.”
Ricardo envisions this scheme as an annual reoccurrence, where he can rake in the dollars from unsuspecting parents and children without having to present the real Santa. If he earns enough money, he could have quite the payout after paying wages to the elves, and rent for the space. He even expects to make so much money that he isn’t worried about paying for the space during the summer either.
“I made sure that this plan would be rock solid,” he said, “we even obtained a local business license, all legit and stuff, so it looks like a totally real business! And to keep the IRS from thinking we are laundering money, we also pay taxes. It’s fool proof! A lot of these new up and coming criminals make so many mistakes and errors that lead the police right to them. The trick is to anticipate the moves that law enforcement might try to pass on you, and then circumvent them entirely. “
Several of the world’s highest ranking criminals have reached out to Crime Magazine to praise Ricardo’s methods. “I’ve been fooling people into letting me sell their personal data for years,” said one repeat offender named Mark Zuckerberg. “What Ricardo is doing is really the foundational groundwork of successful crime, I would know, I practically wrote the playbook. The only thing I think Ricardo could improve on, is trying to also make as many people as miserable as possible. I think he’ll get there soon enough though, he’s got a good sense about him.” Mark then got up, saying he had to hurry off to an important meeting, and was later seen having a princess tea party with Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk.
The world, it seems, is at Ricardo’s fingertips, and the future is ripe for the picking. Though Crime Magazine and Tomorrow Daily are not officially affiliated in any capacity, we do work together regularly all the time, and share staff, so special thanks to Crime Magazine for this exclusive look into the criminal underworld. The universe is a dangerous place, and crime lurks everywhere. What you see out there may not be as legitimate as it seems, so be weary.